evolutional:

if u have perfectly clear skin and u complain about one tiny little blemish i will personally beat u with a shovel 

23 hours ago · 166,104 notes

pissedachios:

pissedachios:

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

oh sheet

23 hours ago · 217,873 notes

bellsket:

"This is why you can’t trust women! They’re so good at makeup and wear it to fool guys into thinking they’re hot!"

shit. girls he’s on to us *washes off makeup to reveal lizard face and climbs up a wall* we will return with a new disguise. soon the power of earthly men will fall

2 days ago · 226,161 notes

whoredinarygirl:

anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “not to you”

2 days ago · 823,562 notes

tittily:

my little cousin got bit by a house spider and she was crying so i went to get some stuff to soothe and numb it but before i could even walk out the door i heard her quietly whisper ‘i can’t handle the responsibility of being spiderman’

2 days ago · 145,639 notes

coochiejuice:

The thing about horror movie situations is imma do my best to help you but if we running and you fallin or we hidin and you whimperin and sobbin, that’s it! I can’t do nothing else for you! You have made the choice to be a damsel in distress and boo this ain’t Camelot I have 0 time to die

2 days ago · 139,010 notes

420-247:

chanted:

I hate it when you are having a bad day and everyone takes it personally, like no i hate myself, not you. get the fuck over yourself.

wow i’m actually so glad this post has been made

2 days ago · 1,059,617 notes

spaghettipeej:

spaghettipeej:

i think i accidentally ate some of my grandma’s ashes that were on her bed

MY GRANDMA SMOKES I MEANT CIGARETTE ASHES

2 days ago · 237,574 notes

bullied:

party at my house bring food then leave

3 days ago · 384,481 notes

eidak:

the sound of teenage girls laughing near you when you’re by yourself is the most terrifying thing a person can experience

3 days ago · 180,302 notes

gnawruto:

foodtrucker:

I manage to turn everything into crap wow

yes that’s called digestion

3 days ago · 476,873 notes